Marriage Decision Courtship vs Dating

Just catch the overall theme of the article with the important statement :-

"Don't look for the person whom you fall in Love with and can't decide to marry, Find a person whom you can decide to marry and then Love him/her". One person told me "Don't give your love away before you decide to marry, because you cannot withdraw once you give it away, love is precious thing, it only happens once in lifetime. That is why Biblical Love is not emotion, it is decision first."

Introduction

Paul Washer says, Dating has been introduced to modern minds in last 100 years, before that there was no such practice among Christians.   Even though courtship has aspects of Biblical Dating, it is always a careful step to consider when and how Dating is involved in courtship. In Secular dating you don't decide to marry initially, whereas in courting your very first goal is marriage. In courting, first, you pray and discern, according to Godly testimony the life of a believer to check whether or not that person is rightful for marriage in God's will and then in the confidence of parents, after engagement 'you date'. Dating definitely involves going out and spending time with person but that comes very later in courtship when you actually start to navigate the emotional aspect of your relationship. In Secular dating there is no anchor for when to get emotionally connected, it just happens anytime. Courtship has the sequence for marriage decision, remember most important thing is not just prayer but 'active discernment', trusting in the sovereignty of God and prayer should not allow us to 'close our minds for action' and just be emotionally vulnerable.  If you are not at the age of marriage, and if you are building ‘talking relationships’ with opposite gender, It is another subject to deal with, about those who go the wrong way with casual relationships before proper age. If you want to know more about Why Unnecessary chatting without the of intended purpose to marriage is unbiblical. "check other article"

1] Difference between Secular Dating and Courtship: - In normal-cultural-secular idea of Dating, "Love precedes the decision for marriage", whereas in Courting "Decision for marriage precedes Love".  - Now somebody would argue, how can we decide for marriage, if first we don't fall in Love? Answer to that question is, Love is Decision and not result of emotional proximity.  Love in casual Dating is Emotion, but Love in Courtship is Decision.  - In casual dating you fall in Love, in courtship, you decide to Love. Someone would argue, how can we decide to Love without dating someone? The question presupposes 'casual lovey-dovey time spent'. Now this assumption is misleading because we can still decide the spiritual condition of a person without emotional visits by just analyzing them from their life. When you analyze the person without emotional attachment, you are doing it in an unbiased way without having any soft standards for the person. The problem occurs, when someone just falls into emotions in the beginning and they close down all their analytical precision doors. They adopt minimum required standards because they are already sold out by their emotions. Every tree is known by its fruits. I am not saying at this point, to search out for perfection, I am saying to search out for the direction in their life. Sanctification is seen in people's life, by their social connections, life pattern, spiritual connection, social media, the kind of fellowship they go to, the preachers that they listen to, their involvement in the Church, their doctrinal standpoint, their friend list, their proximity with other opposite sex. All these can be observed and talked about over the telephone or official table talk visit without getting emotional. Of course, you don't want to end up with Romeo of the town, because that proves the life of a person is worldly.  So definitely you have to discern lot of things before marriage. This is possible without 'regularly hanging out or casual dating'. Note, Courtship doesn't neglect the 'Dating part', it just decides the right time for getting into emotional dating after you are sure about the person's spiritual status.  - Contemporary Society easily adopts the idea that somehow a person must have fallen in Love before he/she heads for a marriage proposal. But courting brings back the Biblical sequence first you decide whether or not the person is right for marriage and then in the confidence of your parents you decide to marry, then you decide on engagement, then start dating which allows you to Love. In courting you decide the time for Love, in Dating you fall in Love at any time.  - Dating Love just begins when you start hanging out, Courtship Love results after you decide to hang out. Dating has a very loose reign on your hanging out, courtship sets boundaries before you freely hang out. (The purpose of this is 'Testimony of the Believer' and 'avoid unnecessary emotional clouding').  Many people just don't understand that their public hanging out stumbles other weak believers and give the wrong example to the flock, this is also another area to avoid 'hanging out before engagement'. The Bible tells us to stay away from subjects of youth, but when mature believers let it loose under the excuse of Dating, other younger believers start following them. Eventually, the Church becomes a 'Love Garden' for believers to hang out with their selected dream girls and dream boys. I can't imagine a Church like that, it almost sounds like a social club. Of course, no one is restricting 'hanging out per-se', but we are discussing the time and sequence when we can start 'hanging out'. That is the reason young man should remember that, "Don't look for a woman you can fall in love with, find a woman you can marry, Don't look for a girl, find a wife, and don't look for a boy, find a husband". Because your goal is not dating, it is marriage.  2] The ‘marriage’ process in dating vs courtship: - It starts with 'hanging out with a guy/girl’ --->you get emotionally connected (unavoidable) -----> Fall in Love------> analyze the person based on your dating experience (biased at this stage) -----> Get emotionally committed (which is very early)-----> tell parents about it (formality)----->decide engagement ------> Marriage.  - While, Courtship starts with 'Prayer and searching for the right person'-----> analyze the person based on their life ------> critical analysis on their doctrinal beliefs. (i.e. If person may be listening to Joel Osteen/ Joseph Prince , that would create sanctification issue and errors in Christian life)-----> check their Christian walk, fellowship group, involvement in the Church, friend list, social media etc. (Genuineness of their faith)-----> Ask the person if they are ready for marriage, ask their goals if they match with you (required if you are searching for Ministry partner)-----> official visit for a formal talk, 'no' Love proposal ---> after formal visit get assured about their practical life from every angle---> after being assured, Decide for marriage possibility----> Immediately inform the parents (Biblical honesty)-----> If parents agree do engagement ----> allow to meet without giving wrong example to the believers -------> Decide to LOVE and Hang out before you marry ------> allow emotional commitment-----> During that time explore more about the person and genuineness of their Salvation (May be possible some people are different after marriage is decided)-------> If you find anything questionable during this time you can withdraw from the relationship (though difficult)-------> If nothing is questionable, after making sure that everything is correct, you decide for life time commitment------> Decide for marriage without further delay or waiting period (purposefully to avoid unnecessary temptation before marriage). - Two things which you might notice here is, In Dating 'Falling in Love' and Hanging out is at very early stage without even deciding Spiritual status of the person. While in courtship, it comes after parental confidence guarding Church testimony by Engagement. Another important aspect is 'Courting provides you many opportunities to check the person's spiritual status' from different viewpoint and angle. It even provides you the opportunity to withdraw from going further. Somebody might say that the courtship process I mentioned is very lengthy, then I say think how many times you get married in Life? Two, three? What if after marriage you came to know something which is not acceptable? What if after getting emotionally connected you get to know something unacceptable? Will you be ready to break your heart and person's heart just because you are already in Love? Yes, that's why long process is required.  - In Dating you fall in Love at the same time you analyze the person, in courtship you just analyze the person with formal talk without submitting him/her emotionally. Lot of times people dangerously go so far in their emotional connection that they almost override every analysis that they would have done otherwise. Love is not blind, Love makes people blind, so people stop thinking and start dreaming. Courtship restricts this bias and allows you to analyze the person without any type of blindness. - The important thing is to discover the character of a person before making any commitment to him or her, that is why decision for marriage is important before you attach with Love. Once you are attached to a person, you cannot withdraw if you don't find Godly character in your date. Nor is it helpful to date and inevitably attach only to find out at the end that person you date is not looking to marry you. So, I say, making intention for marriage sure before you attach is quite right sequence to go with.  3] Love without decision or intention to marry: - So many simply say, I am not sure if I want to marry, then my question is, why are you dating? According to 2 Timothy, you must flee from youthful lust. Recreational dating is exactly opposite to fleeing. If you are not headed for marriage then don't remain in those slippery position. You are not strong enough to resist what Bible has already denied. - If I see, a godly woman walking down the street, who attracts me, should I think that God is leading me to start dating? It is not God first of all, it is human desire. If the thought is just leading you for 'dating' it is not a Godly thought, if the thought is leading you for marriage, it might be considered God's leading, because God designed marriage not dating. It is nothing wrong in 'wanting to marry someone' it is God given desire. But God has given guidelines on how to maintain that desire. I must not allow any girl or boy to come in my dreams. - Dating before proper time and unintended purpose to marry is not just unintended Dating, it's flirting. We should not woo any person in order to check and throw if our wooing works, we are required to ask if person is first ready for relationship and then try to develop it. That's honest play, that is not turn off or old-school, it is being honest with the Lord and with that person. 

4] Why Parental Permission? - First when you dive into dating without any boundaries and try to woo the person to see if that believer is ready or not is like, 'getting into the garden of flowers and pick some flowers to see if the owner of that garden is allowing you to pick up the flowers'. Isn't that Godly and Scriptural if you ask the owner of the Garden for permission to pick up the flowers? Asking permission from parents is Godly thing, because it is someone else's ownership, we cannot go against parents. If parents or owners allows, you served integrity, if parent denies you take it as God's sovereign denial. If God doesn't want you to marry that girl, don't depend on your own dating techniques. We should depend fully on God to know and boldly ask the proposal to marry. Now of course at this point there needs to be some level of familiarity needs to be there before asking for proposal, but only after you have carefully followed courtship process. If that person is from God, he/she will first wait and see if God leads him/her same way, if not, your time and emotion and unimportant chatting and most importantly 'desire for intimacy' will stop right there. No one should grow emotionally vulnerable, because dating before deciding for marriage does make you inevitably vulnerable. In many cases dating before decision to marry makes you slave of your own desires which grows every day as you hang out. Some people say, I have self-control and see if dating works to check God's will, Scripture doesn't say have self-control but 'Flee’, if it's not intended for marriage.  - Some people say this is emotionless, well if you want to allow your emotion to rule you, culture will dictate you to pick up flowers and see how owner feels. I would say, not only should we ask the permission of the owner but the 'GOD' of the owner, because flower garden is not our property to play with. That is why I stress the point to include prayer/scripture and parental confidence while you start dating. Once you agree to involve parental confidence before dating as part of Godly honesty, you automatically consent to decision for marriage before you take the girl out for dating.  5] Finding God's Will : Role of the Scripture Scripture doesn't speak clearly about 'whom to marry’, but what kind of 'person to marry'. So, don't search for some mysterious verse out of context to give you particular guidance about the person. Search where Marriage is discussed in Scripture, and then decide based on that whether person fits genuine believer or not.  - I heard one person got the verse about a girl Rev 3: 8 "See I have kept open door Infront of you which no one can shut", now contextually marriage is not discussed there, and it was for the Church of Philadelphia not for 'Dream Girl or Dream boy'. Secondly, this kind of mysterious 'verse' finding could lead you into wrong direction, we should remember that Devil used scripture when he came to tempt Christ. Devil knows more scripture than you do, but he will never use it in context. So, devil can give you thoughts about verse out of context and you can end up 'marrying someone' without doctrinal discernment and other practical life discernment.  - So many people find 'special promise verse', God has never asked us to find special promise verse from Bible, instead we are to 'search scriptures to find out where the particular topic is discussed' (Remembered Jesus searched scriptures that was talking about him in OT , Luke 4:17 the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to Him. Unrolling it, He found the place where it was written), Jesus didn't preach out of context, he spoke exactly what in the context was saying about himself as future messiah. But it is important to notice 'He found the place where it was written’, it was not some mysterious word finding but systematic understanding.  6] Finding God's Will : Deciding with 'whom' to marry - There is common misconception that 'finding God's will of marriage partner is some rocket science’, you just have to find exact person by some mystical experience about God's will. Beloved friends, finding marriage partner is not 'rocket science' but discernment by looking at person's life and scripture. i.e. Bible says, 'do not be unequally yoked together with unbeliever' 2 Co 6:14 (Basically means, don't marry unbeliever) Now it would require that we find believer first and then decide for marriage.  How to Find God's will?  It is much debated topic so I would not discuss everything here about "How to find God's will'. Mainly I want to warn about Pentecostal idea that finding God's will can come through dreams, vision or some so called 'prophets' who prophecy over you. That is not the way God deals after we have sufficient written word in our hands 'Bible'. We can find this principle in 2 Tim 3:16-17, scripture is sufficient for everything we need in Godliness including marriage decisions. In simple statement, 'It is not mystery, but finding what the scripture says'. Don't be surprised, because I know we are surrounded by mysterious ideas about finding God's will.  - Someone said to me, 'When you feel peace that's where God's will is' , I disagree. That is not how I find God's will. Of course God gives peace, but it is possible to have peaceful marriage decision without God's will. We find peace in many things we like , it does not have to do with God's written word. I may find peace because I like to marry someone who is attracted, well educated, well earning in my friends. But that may not be God's will. Someone can 'fake to be peaceful', when it comes to marriage. Fake believers are smart to create 'no tension' before marriage. Their true colors come out only after marriage, I have seen many marriages where at beginning they are very Lovely as if there is no friction and everything is peaceful without any stress. But once they marry one comes to know that was all just fake. Many people also say, 'When you don't find stressful that's God's will'. Again that is not necessary, many relationships are not stressful at the beginning. Of course, all these ideas are somewhere related to God's will, but they don't eliminate primary way to know God's will, which is through 'Discernment from scripture and matching practical life of person'. We will learn in a minute how to decide if someone is a believer. We are not saying, those people will never be saved , please do not misunderstand me. But Bible gives guidelines for the pieces of evidence of a Believer. We are not proclaiming judgment by condemnation, we are just applying Biblical guidelines to prove whether the person is genuinely a believer or not.   - So many people ask how can I know which is the only Girl God has chosen for me?  There is no such thing like that in Bible. Bible will never say, marry 'x' person or 'y' person, Bible tells us what kind of person to marry. Bible doesn't tell us name, but what kind of partner, not who but what character.  Don't look for mysterious dream girl whom God has designed for you, look for Believer which Scripture tells us to do. - If God has not chosen some person, he will close the door and open another, or he may not open at all. God often leads us through circumstances and people, 'Sovereignty is never seen before the time, it only manifests itself when something is played out'. Unless we take one step in the search we never know what our sovereign God allows. We should also remember that without his Sovereignty nothing is going to happen. The Psalmist says 'All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.' Psalm 139:16. Therefore everything is decided by the Lord and it plays out exactly the way it was planned but we never know until it 'it is played out'.  7] Finding God's Will : How to discern if person is believer or not?  Now my principles go to 1 John chapter 3. (No true believer continues to sin) in other words 'remains' in sin without any discomfort. If there is no struggle with sin, if no discomfort with worldly pattern, if no association and delight with scripture, if no appearance of Godliness, if no delight in his word, if no testimony among believers, if wrong fellowship or no fellowship and if there is no Bible reading ; all of these characteristics show that the person is not born again even though he acts like it. Some people can verbally say 'they are born again' but all these characteristics I discussed prove his/her reality. Sometimes person can talk 'Godly things' but his practical life speaks something else. So we should never trust only on 'telephonic-talk'. I have seen many people who fake Godliness on the telephone and on Facebook and their inner-friend circle and their life pattern were totally different. You don't need to decide based on a 'short story', you must consider regular search. You need to look past records to check if the person is not faking. This is not to say, 'Everyone should have perfect past'. There are mistakes even after being born again, but that should not be 'repeated at questionable level'. Moreover, person should be actively fighting against every sin. The person should be recovering from that, rather than allowing those mistakes again and again. Sometimes recovery takes time but struggle should be real. Struggle is different than 'completely defeated lifestyle'.  Certain Marks of unbeliever: 1) Fascination with Worldly things/ style/ pattern: - - Bible says, 1 John 2:15 Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.”, Remember Fascination with the worldly things is a sign that person may not be a believer.  - If the person has no question with watching Netflix and Hollywood movies the whole day 'his/her affections are questionable', I am not saying we should never watch movies, but excessive attachment with 'fantasy world' and 'worldly lifestyle' is questionable mark for believer. Question is about 'what is your regular entertainment pattern'. It is one thing to say, I watch movies sometimes, and it is another thing to be lover of 'Game of thrones' or updated by every New Hollywood movie that comes out of film industry it speaks of your fascination at different level. - These kinds of people are very less likely to be saved; or they might be saved but not right for mature believer as marriage partner option. 2)Lack of efforts in Spiritual life: - Discipline yourself unto godliness” (1 Tim 4:7), He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. (John 14:21) - If we say we have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.  (1 John 1:6)  3) Lack of interest in Godly fellowship: - We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death” (1 John 3:14). - Someone said rightly 'your friend circle decides what kind of person you are'. 4) Lack of Struggle with sin and Repentance for sin: - I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. [c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7) - If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.… (1 John 1:8) - remember Repentance should be daily, not just when you were born again 5 years back, and it should be more intense and live when you grow. 5)Lack of Desire and knowledge for right Doctrines:   - Jonathan Edwards called it 'Godly Affection'.  - 2 John 1:9 Anyone who runs ahead and does not continue in the teaching of Christ does not have God; whoever continues in the teaching has both the Father and the Son. - This includes those who have wrong fellowships and Doctrinal questionable views. Or even if Person claims to be born again but doesn't read his Bible or has no knowledge about particular essential doctrines. - Don't go further if person is Catholic, Pentecostal, Jehovah Witnesses, or some preacher follower who is not doctrinally sound. - Most of your discernment is required in this stage. For this you yourself need to be doctrinally sound.   Finally, in a process you should follow certain practical points, we need to find out real genuine believer. The big problem occurs "when people fake at this point", so before coming to this conclusion you must involve all these parameters, 1) Pray 2) You look at their life pattern, if that’s of believer. 3) and testimony on social media and other friends, 4) Their fellowship which reveals their Doctrinal stand point 5) Facebook posts reveals their double personality 6) Church involvement reveals their practical life 7) Then only you should directly ask them about their salvation experience. God bless your future marriage decision. Yours in his ministry, Selwin.